Trauma can show up in ways you don’t expect. Did you ever imagine it would be a part of the business world? In a world where we’re taught to keep our professional and personal lives separate, the trauma of a cameo in your workday can be especially uncomfortable. As a business owner who loves his boss and is caring (I’m so funny), I was shocked when I realized that the “Big T and Little T” trauma was still affecting me.
In this story, trauma begins in childhood
The first time I was abused was when I was three years old. It starts a lifelong unhealthy relationship with a man. Then I received mixed messages from a Latina family where she was the youngest of three daughters. Although the community is mostly made up of women, a few men are treated like kings. People even called my father “Number One.”
My parents wanted to give us the message of “be leaders, not followers.” Also heard “Family businesses are here to stay”. Then get rewarded for keeping quiet and smiling. Back then we didn’t know the dangers of toxic positivity or keeping secrets. It’s just that we can’t embarrass our families.
Abuse comes in many forms
A few years later, I found a career as a sales professional in the travel and hospitality industry. Now, I’m hired to smile, please smile at people, and if it’s not good for business, I stay silent. Powerful people would look at me like they were prey. I just smiled because I was traumatized. They will say inappropriate things that will make you blush. This is sure to shock their wives.
Others have made racist comments about me, About me They had smiles on their faces and cheerful voices, as if I was in on the joke. After leaving one company, a male executive told me, “I created you. Before us, you were nothing.” Another called me every morning and afternoon during Christmas week asking me Whether the transaction is completed. Not because I mentioned being close to a person. Just to bully me and remind me who is in charge. As you can imagine, I was the only salesperson making cold calls on December 23rd.
These people used their words and power to reduce me to the minimum of myself. They would then promote or hire equally or less qualified white women to keep me “in my place.” Since the abuse was nothing new to me, I just accepted it. Somehow I thought it was my fault.
White people are not the only perpetrators and certainly not the only gender abusing their power. But the latter deserves another blog post, don’t you think?
Is the customer really always right?
In a pleasure-seeking industry, things can get murky. When a top client puts his hand on your booty after a few drinks after dinner, you have to decide whether to abandon the account or simply accept it. So I have to choose between being respected and getting a bonus?
Or when you’re on a sales trip and a potential client mistakes a drink for a date, even though you already know the best man in the world is waiting for you in Boston. Then he gets angry when you try to leave. “Have you called your boyfriend?” he says, trying to appease you by ordering you another drink and commenting on how nice your heels make your legs look. Despite trying to get an Uber to your hotel, he wouldn’t let you and asked to drive you. This is an important client…I can’t mess this up. He then continues driving slowly down the alley, making you wonder if you’ll ever make it back.
Where to go for help
What if I had someone I could talk to whose only role was to support me? I’m not a therapist or counselor, although you know I’m all about this support. But there are people who care about my professional life, growth, and mental health. Someone who has no stake in the internal dynamics of the company. Who didn’t ask me to fill out paperwork and then eventually be told management “didn’t mean it” and had no impact other than my discomfort. Perhaps this pattern of trauma would have been discovered earlier in my career.
Now imagine a coach Who teaches team members how to set boundaries. Understand the nuances of the service industry, care about individuals, and I also hope that the business will be successful. If a company offered this level of support, wouldn’t you want to stay longer?
Deloitte recently shared that “Coaching culture is the practice most associated with business performance, employee engagement and overall retention,” and companies considered to have high-impact leadership organizations “Spending 1.5 to 3 times more than peers on management development.” According to a study by the Center for American Progress, companies with highly engaged employees Profit increased by 21%.
Ready to create positive change?
Now that I am a business owner, the trauma is still with me. Here, I run a business I’m proud of, live a professional and personal life that aligns with my values, and do good in the world. Yet these people still live in my subconscious. It is because of them that I unknowingly make things smaller. Because if I made it bigger, then I would need to face my abuser. Not those who directly harmed me, but straight white men in positions of power who I always considered a threat to my safety. That ends today.
This week I took the brave step of publishing this article as an article on LinkedIn (minus the extra information for you all). Originally, it was intended to be published as a blog post on my website, visible only to the Travel Can Heal community. It was really scary and I did have a fragile hangover. Do I risk being ostracized by potential clients or partners? Maybe. But are these people I want to work with? You know the answer. This silence must stop if we are to create healthy work cultures, mental health and happier lives. Will you also be brave?
It’s because of my healing journey, time on health travel, and opportunities to connect with therapists that I’ve been able to shine my light. You can find joy in your company, expansion in your role, and often feel more like yourself. If you’d like to take care of yourself, your business, or your team, I’m here to help. let us change the world.
