“My family was broken. My parents turned people down. It’s just what they do.” I’ve made this well-designed statement for decades. Until I should be a broken piece. You see, my sisters have experienced this ultimate punishment. I always knew it was for me, but hopefully nothing will never be. Sadly, I tried to go beyond the racing car. When my day came, it broke my faith in unconditional love.
When unconditional love becomes conditional
Of course, this is painful. Still yes. Actually, outside of conversations with the coach or husband, I’m not talking much. I try not to live with my sisters because they will carry their own wounds. And I don’t think I’m sharing it here either. A large part of me doesn’t want to hurt them, those who should love me and my sisters unconditionally. If they had some chance, it would hurt me and think I would hurt them. So I threw myself on the grenade instead.
“What happens in the family stays in the family.”
Bear the weight of family secrets
I realized for the first time that I was still scared of their anger. I’ve witnessed every time I erase my relationship. I heard hate letters written to other loudly yelling family members and saw everyone else become bad people. I don’t want to be on the receiving end. My cut-off conversation was enough for me.
So if I were a good girl, please stay quiet and no one would hurt me. I can’t disrespect. I know how to follow the rules. This is how I learned to stay safe.
When we are not safe, our brains will put us into survival mode – fighting, flying, freezing or soothing. My default survival response is freezing and soothing. In the book Mother hungryKelly McDaniel said the freezing reaction in babies is that they are learning to give up. “She knew she couldn’t meet her needs and could not trust human connections.” Sounds familiar, doesn’t she?
Cultural silence around family fractures
Culture teaches us to respect, love and respect our parents. The idea of relationships is not just Leave it to the beaver It’s not good to be happy. Just like the show, the “norms” around us are very black and white. You either love your parents, or keep the closest relationship with them, or hate them with passion because they are the scum of the earth (maybe in prison, or drink dead in death). Where do you love them? Because you are a person who loves, but you can’t talk, isn’t it?
There is no room in the current storyline to hold the mood or situation of contrast. Both of these things can be correct at the same time. Despite the pain, separation still frees you. Now you don’t have to be so scared that everything you say and do must be perfect to soothe their needs, comfort zones, their preferences and moods.
Free breaking
Where does the greeting cards for rejected, discarded, abused daughter or son show that they don’t matter? No one offers a pity or sympathy. A person who celebrates that we are allowed to breathe easily and appear in reality.
Transparently, I can’t come across posts about how much someone loves his parents without feeling pain, discomfort, incomprehensible, occasional jealousy or obvious disconnection. For some of us, hearing something like “my mom is the greatest” doesn’t resonate. This is not a common feeling. This is actually a reminder to the broken family.
My brain, heart and my whole body have many conflicting emotions. It’s easier to close the application. I deliberately stayed away from social media during the holidays to protect myself.
It’s been five years since I was turned down and I can’t keep connecting to survive.
This is 23 years of rehabilitation that have taught me something–your mind can protect you until you are ready. And if you don’t catch the sign, it will force you to slow down and look directly at the pain. Three depressed dancesI am a Milwaukee winemaker catcher. (I Googled it – that team has the best team. Looking at me, they are all very athletic.)
Rectification of parents’ rejection
Even with all these healing experiences, I still didn’t expect how this would fit into all other areas of my life.
It started with my husband. Once my parents rejected me, the nightmare about David cheating increased. Every night is worse and stronger than before. Sleeping becomes scary because I don’t want to face the pain of losing my husband. Naturally, every nightmare infers that it is my fault. I’m not enough to “keep my man.” I failed.
(To be clear, David never cheated, nor gave me any reason to believe he would. His asshole version came up when we both slept. The new manifestation I was afraid of is No one will love me unconditionally)
Perfect pressure
Then the pandemic. Three months later, my reward daughter’s biological mother stopped picking her up. Suddenly, I was a full-time mom, a new business owner, a parentless daughter, married to a dreamer, trapped inside when the world stopped.
I started to shrink myself at home. I need to be perfect so that I can prove myself every day so that I can win love. Then, I stopped sharing all my stupid people because I was worried I would be separated.
Since I was in a bad mood, I never smiled. I held on to that facade for years before it became painful. That becomes resentful, then angry, and finally angry.
Safely freed safe space
All the contractions and negative emotions were in a mess inside me. But I was never allowed to get angry, so I don’t know how to get angry. For me, it was the most uncomfortable feeling. All these emotions have nowhere to go. I have to find a healthy way to release them.
That brought me to the anger room of my shelter. I smash each bottle with a baseball bat or tire iron and I will name the stuff I get angry about. I introduced anger to each swing and left it there with all the broken glass. Free up this space for the good things I want.
Break the cycle of family breakage
I tell you all this because it isn’t enough to be the norm. If you have a short relationship with your parents, I hope you know it doesn’t matter. If your feelings are beyond gratitude, which makes you feel introverted, then you are not alone. We don’t talk about discomfort. We bottle it to survive or fit or both. It’s awful to try to explain this to someone who hasn’t experienced it. (Or they may not face mixed emotions, as cultural conditions do not allow it.) You are safe here. I get it.
What’s this. We have the opportunity to face the demons of the past in an authoritative way. It requires two big concepts – self-worth and self-love. These require more nutrition and support than reading inspirational quotes on social media or the love of your good friend. Because life has been doing things and The way our brains work, not only one day we wake up, but also feel unshakable value and unconditional self-love. This is a daily exercise.
Even today, the fear of conditional love appears in subtle ways. For example, every week when I make a grocery list, I fight inside buying food only. Let me connect the points for you. If I bought my own pepitas for my salad, David might be upset at the extra cost and thought I was selfish and he would definitely add it to the list of reasons why I didn’t love me.
Don’t worry – I heard it. This is meaningless. Of course not. But that doesn’t matter because my brain connects these points in this particular way based on what I see, experience, and naturally occurring negative biases. That’s why I chose it on purpose to teach it new ways of observing, thinking, thinking and feeling. Prioritize your own thoughts to nourish your mind with a better life.
Establishing the foundation of self-worth
One practice I do for myself and my clients is to identify unwritten rules that live in the subconscious. We bring them into the light and observe them with curiosity rather than judgment. The purpose is to determine whether they serve your identity today and who you are growing up. Do they still feel good? Are they your beliefs, or are they stamped by others? Then, we rewrite the rules of designing your dream life.
When you feel shaky because your mind makes you convince you that it is not worth it, give it a try.
- Write down your thoughts. In this process, identifying it and figuring it out from the head are two important steps.
- Then swing your toes. Try to focus on moving everyone’s toes.
- Follow these three deep breaths; through the nose, through the nose.
- Then go back and see the idea. Write the next question: “Will this make me feel good about me?”
- Write down your answer to this question.
- If not (and most likely you won’t be swaying), write it down: “I chose to feel good about me.”
- Now, take another three deep breaths and return to your day.
It’s a safe way to take negative noise to the forefront, regulate your nervous system, restore your brain to positive positives and start integrating new ideas that serve you.
Learn to trust love and self
I want to design new greeting cards for those facing pain. It’s not someone who feels regretful, but someone who celebrates our courage to change and grow. We don’t sit around and blame our parents, but we don’t pretend that things are perfect. Instead, we choose to live with intention, hope and big dreams.
We studied unwritten rules that once controlled us and wrote new rules that felt liberated and nourished our souls. We created our own definition of unconditional love – starting with ourselves. These are the celebrations, moments and stories that I am interested in sharing.
David hasn’t appeared in my nightmare for a while. My husband once again helped me believe in unconditional love. He showed me every day what I deserved. I’m very grateful to him. Although this is an important part of my marriage, healing is my responsibility.
Cultivating your unshakable sense of value is the most important daily exercise I promise.
If you are ready to love yourself unconditionally and create your dream life, you don’t have to go this path alone. Arrange for free Dream discovery phone Be with me today. Together we can rewrite the rules and design your true identity life.
